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February 6th, 2012 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Personal

I am struggling. I have this feeling somewhere deep inside of me that maybe we should have another baby. There was a certainty that I was done, happy with my family, and I was complete. But now, now I think about cuddling a little baby and spending that quiet time bonding.

The kid is always on the go. She hugs and then runs off to do the next thing. She’s getting so grown up and independent and I can just see her growing and growing. I’m reminscing.

But every time I think about sharing the love I have for my little girl. Every time I think about splitting my attention between two children. Every time I think about telling my baby girl that she has to wait, my heart breaks a little bit.

I know that other parents do it. I love watching my friends with multiple children and how the kids work together and how they love each of them, and how different the kids can be. That your love grows and that siblings can be a wonderful addition to a child’s life, but when I really stop to think about it, all I can see is my baby girl sad because Mommy has to take care of something else.

I read a post like this and I get to the second child and I break down in tears because I could never, ever, ever make my baby girl, the love of my life, feel replaced.

And I go right back to just not knowing.

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I go back and forth the same way, really. I look at our kid and I just know she’d be an awesome older sister. She has a real compassionate streak in her – always asking why we’re upset or saying “it’s ok” if she thinks someone needs a boost (she often says ‘oh goalie it’s okay’ when she sees a goalie laying on the ice during hockey highlights).

I don’t see it as having to share my love in the same way that Amy does. But I do wonder about more tangible things like money, time and room in the house. We’re a good fit as a family right now, finally digging ourselves out from some debt and generally content with things. As awesome as kids are, they ARE a big disruption to silly things like plans and routines and the like. I also worry about Amy’s health and some of the risks associated with pregnancy for her…

But then I think about how awesome it would be to have another little person around here, delighting us and generally being awesome.

It’s not an easy decision.

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