My social circle has grown since the kid was born (and since Twitter became a major part of my life). I have met wonderful people and gotten to attend great events and have great discussions.
But lately I have become the girl who doesn’t show up.
Either I’m too tired or sick, or something happens in the family and Joe’s travelling or the weather is threatening, or I just don’t feel like I can present myself as a person who is nice to be around. Events come up, I say I’ll be there but as they approach everything gets more complicated.
It’s gotten to the point that I don’t know why people invite me anywhere any more. I don’t understand why people would want to be around me, or try to arrange anything with me.
I am the girl who flakes. I make arrangements and then have to give my excuses, and I end up feeling doubly bad and also missing some great experiences.
It’s like being back in high school. In the back of my mind I assumed people were only inviting me along to be nice, and are secretly hoping I’ll say no. During the summers in high school, I actually made a point of not calling anyone, because I assumed they only hung out with me because we both had to be there. I spent my summers alone at home, watching TV, reading, sleeping in.
Now my anti-social feelings – that itch that I get telling me I’ll be uncomfortable, no one really wants me there, I won’t have anything to talk about – are one thing. Add to that the chance of the kid getting sick, Joe being away, no babysitter, a tight budget, and I become the girl who cancels at the last minute, the girl who flakes on her friends. Or the people she wants to be friends with.
And I’m waiting for them to just give up on me.