Two nights ago I had a dream in which I ended up getting fired from my job because of budget considerations. Now, this scenario is very unlikely, and my subconscious should be aware of that.

The interesting thing about this dream is that I’ve been thinking of leaving my job for the past few months. It’s something I’ve been struggling with. I’ve told my boss what I’m thinking, I’ve asked friends for advice on the possibility that I might try to pick up contracts here and there and stay home with my kid. I’ve applied for jobs that interest me that I think I would excel in.

I have been very lucky in my job. I have had great opportunities, I have had wonderful experiences, and I have met great people, but last summer we lost Jack; my boss, who had put all sorts of trust in me, pushed me and expected great results, decided to move on.

Everything seems to have gotten harder since mid year.

I’ve been worn down, my office is still going through re-organization and it’s very strange being a much bigger team and not getting the teamwork or attention we used to get. I’ve been exhausted for months and every time I think things will get easier something seems to change and make it all harder again.

My biggest difficulty right now is that I have had a lot of struggles getting work. When I graduated from college it took me four months to find a job that only lasted two. I came back to Ottawa at the end of August and didn’t get another job until the next February. When I graduated from university I started looking for a job before exams ended and finally found something at the end of the summer. Then I left that job after my probation ended in November and wasn’t employed again until mid-January. The job I’m still in now. I’m about to enter my fifth year.

Because of my history,  I am tentative to leave and take the risk that I could be unemployed again. Unemployment wears on me heavily. Working hard has always been a bit part of my identity and not having a job always makes me question who I am. Now that I’m a mother, I don’t know if it would have the same effect, but after the year I’ve had I’m afraid to risk it.

So what’s the answer? Eventually I’ll jump, I think, just working myself up to it. (And taking any and all advice on how to make a living working for myself – there are a lot of things I can do).


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