During my trip during the last week of August, my mother and I spent some time driving around Regina while the kid slept in the backseat. She needed the nap and I needed the quiet time. As my mother drove around the city I started crying, as I have been doing most days for the past little while. I told her that I feel like I’m failing as a mother. The toddler is just too hard, I can’t do it.
Just a few days before, on our flight to Saskatchewan, I had a total mental breakdown. I was trying to hold Maggie for takeoff the way I’m supposed to do, and she squirmed and struggled to get away. She screamed and cried, she scratched me and hit me. Finally, I couldn’t handle it any more and I handed her to my mom and I just sat there, in the window seat, crying – weeping- for what seemed like an hour but might have been 10 minutes.
In those moments I feel absolute hatred from her. I am the person who is stopping her from doing what she wants and nothing more. I feel totally out of control.
At work I feel totally out of control. Everything around me is changing and I am lost in the middle trying to find my place again.
Joe was away for a couple of days not long ago and I was at home with the kid, and I found it impossible to think of making dinner. I’ve been cooking for myself since before I left home, I like cooking, I have fun cooking with the kid around, but I couldn’t even think of any recipes I knew. I didn’t want to set foot in the kitchen.
At home and at work I am drowning.
I feel like I’m stuck in PPD. I thought I was doing well, I thought I was moving on. Things were good. Work and home were balancing pretty well, the kid was enjoying daycare, we had a system. Then things went off the rails. I don’t remember what the first thing was, but pretty soon we started saying that next month will be easier, we’ll get through this and then things will get back to normal. Now I have no idea what normal is and I can guarantee that the next few months won’t be it either.
So what I need to do right now is take control of the uncontrollable. Clean when I can, write when I need to, knit at every opportunity because it gives me time to think, and reach out to the friends that I miss when I let life get away from me. Enjoy the moments when my daughter is being curious and smart and loving, remind myself of how much she’s growing and how this is only a phase when things are hard. Get my exercise because I know it makes me feel better. Get some sleep when I can because you never know.
Just go with it.
You know, when I went to roller derby one of the things they told us was to just fall if you’re going to fall, get it over with and then you won’t be so scared any more. Maybe now I’ve fallen.