I am a planner. I make lists, I think ahead (generally pessimistically). I panic about the things to come and try to prepare every possible scenario.
I have a big problem sitting quietly because my mind runs away with me.
I have real trouble when I’m as tired as I have been lately. The kid has made a habit of waking at 5 am or earlier. Still more when Joe has been travelling for work and I’m single parenting. (Holy crap, single parenting is FREAKING HARD).
I have been back at work for 7 months and next week our day care provider goes on vacation and for two weeks it will be me and the kid at home every day, me trying to come up with things to keep her active and occupied and right now I am terrified. Honestly, being at work it so much easier.
On top of that I am on stress leave and I’m terrified that I’m not going to figure out whatever I need to figure out before going back to work and I’m going to be in the same situation after these few weeks. I already feel guilty about not being at work right now – there are, of course, things I could and should be doing, things I could be learning, things I shouldn’t be missing.
I have so much I’m thinking about, there is so much I want to do that just can’t figure out how do to, there are things that I’m struggling with that I just can’t fix right now. Unless someone wants to give me a couple million dollars, a nanny, a maid service, maybe a personal trainer and an organizer.
I’m in that space where there is so much help I could use, so much time I need, so much I could do that I just don’t do because it’s so damn overwhelming.