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Far away, so close

July 29th, 2011 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Parenting | Personal

I feel like I’m swimming in the middle of the ocean and I have no destination. Trying not to go crazy.

I’m anxious. Things can make me teary out of nowhere. Thoughts fly in and out of my head. I forget things.

I’m gradually working me way through things I want and have to do. I’m trying to exercise, trying to sleep, trying not to slip back into my old habits.

I’m trying to be a good parent, trying not to give in to a toddlers minute to minute wants, trying to deal with the tantrums as they come.

I’m trying to remind myself to eat, and to choose carefully. I’m trying not to slip away into my own little world of sitting on the couch, watching television and surfing the internet just to do something.

I have a pile of books to read, I have knitting to do, I have things I want to write, projects I want to take on.

Is it just being overwhelmed? Maybe. Is it a little bit of overwhelmed, plus exhausted, plus stressed and sad and anxious and muddled and muddy?

I don’t feel healthy. I’ve been eating better, cutting the bad things out most of the time. I’ve been making better decisions. I’ve been getting exercise, improving my fitness. I have been keeping myself occupied. I still feel wrong.

Maybe it’s all the stress of work and a toddler and trying to make big changes all at once, and trying to take on too many projects. Maybe. But I feel as if I’m doing something all the time and I’m never doing enough. I’m failing.

Maybe this is just what the life of a working mother is, but I can’t imagine giving up either job. There isn’t much that I’m willing to let go of right now.

I keep thinking it will get easier – it will get easier after the campaign, after my trip to Vancouver, after Joe’s work travel, after my mother’s visit, when everything at work becomes more clear, it will get easier when…

But then something else always comes up. Always.

So if something else is always going to throw a wrench in our day to day “easy” then it’s always going to be this hard, isn’t it?

And if it’s always this hard, and this is leaving me in tears for no reason on a regular afternoon, going to be at 8:30 at night, if that’s what life is, what can I do?

Because I am not okay.

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