…and I am a chocoholic.

All my life I have eaten sugary things with abandon. I used to spend all my allowance at the corner store. Chocolate, gummies, ice cream, pop, slush drinks – things fabricated out of synthetic flavouring, synthetic everything.

I can’t begin to think of the crap that I have filled this body with for 30 years and what it might have done to me.

All of these years of abuse mean that when I try to be good and I try to cut myself off it’s really, really freaking hard.

If I can do it for three weeks, or 30 days, if I can just keep going it will stop, I won’t want it as much. If I let myself have it, I’m letting myself down, I’m making it that much harder. I’m putting more weight on this body and making my struggle that much worse.

I fool myself by telling myself that eating a home baked cookie is better than what I used to eat, that when I exercise and eat, I’m doing myself one better than when I used to just sit and eat.

I’m doing okay, but not great.

Today I didn’t drink the Coke I was so badly craving. I didn’t stop for ice cream. I didn’t buy any sneaky treats for myself at Zellers. Today I made potato salad and cut up carrots and strawberries for snacks. I did 35 minutes on the treadmill.

And then when it was evening and the baby was asleep and I was home alone I was so badly craving chocolate that I ended up making peanut butter chocolate chip cookies at 8 pm. You start to wonder if you’re really going insane.

I have a healthy lunch packed for tomorrow, and snacks to keep in my desk. It will get better but I wish it wasn’t so hard.

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