I worked an election campaign: 37 days of hard work, stress, long days, and always thinking.
When the campaign was over, my mom came to visit and I toured her around the city trying to keep us all occupied, trying to make up for the time I missed with my daughter during those 37 days, and the time my mother misses with her by living in a different city.
I started back to work and things were busy, very busy, stressful.
I hurt my neck and was forced into bed rest for a week, unable to move much and angry to be missing work, missing quality time with my daughter, unable to do the things I would have like to do.
I went to Convention, worked through my weekend, three days of long hours, good times, stress, seeing old friends.
Last night, still recovering from a three hour time change, from all the 12 hour workdays over the past few months, from not really taking a real break when I had the opportunity, last night my daughter was awake for two hours screaming like there was something terribly wrong. She struggled against me holding her. She cried out for Mommy over and over, she would ask for a bottle and push it away, she would cry and cry harder. I started trying to figure out if she had broken or dislocated something, maybe it was this or maybe it was that.
Maybe she’s getting her molars, maybe she had a bad dream, maybe it’s separation anxiety. Whatever it was, all I could do was sit with her and try to tell her she was going to be okay.
I am so fucking tired.
I don’t think I’ve recovered fully from the campaign, let alone the convention and the time change. My shoulder and my neck still hurt when I get tired like this and my back is killing me.
Of course, I have a long weekend coming up – because I’m going in to have a root canal. So that will be nice and relaxing. Then next weekend is Canada Day and some of my family is in town.
This motherhood thing? It’s really hard.
Last time I worked a campaign, last time I went to convention, I had time to sleep in, to veg out, to slow down for a bit. But the kid? She wants me. She calls for me. She comes to see me. And I want to give her all of myself. But right now? I’m on the verge of collapse.