It’s been a hard few days.
I feel like I’ve fallen out of stride with every piece of my life that was working so well. I knew things were going to be harder, but it when you get tired it makes everything seem that much worse.
By Friday night the thought of having to wake up on Saturday morning to walk to the bus had me near tears. And then I got a reprieve – a phone call offering me the day off. A wonderful day it was. I slept in, we had a family breakfast then took a walk outside in the fresh air and sunshine I had been missing. I had a nap, I spent time with my daughter. Everything felt good on Saturday night, and Sunday morning.
Now it feels worse, because I can’t sleep in again, I have to walk to the bus again, I can’t spend that time with my daughter again.
On top of all that, little things and bigger things keep falling out of place for us. There are a few things we’re dealing with as a family that are not fair, all made worse by the fact that I don’t really have time to deal with them.
It has hit me – that thing that I expected when I first went back to work a few months ago. I feel guilty for not being at home to see my baby, to help Joe, to make things easier, but when I’m at home – particularly when I’m leaving work – I feel guilty for not staying, not making sure things are done to my standards, for leaving things in the hands of others.
Right now, when I’m at home, I feel like I would be better off at work because I’m almost useless here. When I’m at work I’m missing my kid like crazy. I call just to hear her babble. I want to hug her so much. She distracts me, but I’m working for her. I believe in what I do.
It’s all too complicated.