I keep loading up my blog to write, but there the page sits and no writing happens.
It’s not that I don’t have a lot to talk about and I lot that I’d like to think out loud about, but there’s so much that I can’t or don’t want to say in public because of the people involved and the people reading.
It’s been a hard week. The baby is both teething and sick, so we haven’t been sleeping much. We don’t have much money right now, so our stock of groceries isn’t great – and two things that are part of my depression cycle are unhealthy eating and lack of sleep, plus the aforementioned stress.
It leaves me just sitting, unable to move myself to do the things I’m thinking about doing. It leaves me confused about what I can be doing and confused about how to go about getting things done. I don’t know how to fix our budget, I don’t know how to fix my diet, I don’t know how to get exercise in when I’m this tired, I don’t know how to make her gums hurt less. I don’t know how to express all of this. I don’t know who I have left to talk to.
Joe and I had a disagreement yesterday morning in which I got more and more frustrated because I just couldn’t figure out how to say what I was trying to express in a way that he would understand. My brain just couldn’t connect my feelings to my words.
It’s strange because I started this week feeling fairly good. I went to a Lady Gaga concert last Sunday and she made me feel good about myself, and other people. Her full on acceptance of everyone no matter what they look like, believe or who and how they choose to love and the thousands of people in the room cheering those feelings on gave me a sort of optimism, and here I am on the other end of the scale.
Where do I go from here?