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Hard just gets harder

November 29th, 2010 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Parenting | Personal | PPD

I’ve been under stress lately – I’ve been sick for over a week now, Joe went away and I haven’t been sleeping well (and neither has the Baby Girl), there are a lot of things I’ve been wanting to do but just haven’t been able to, what with being sick and alone with the baby, who is starting to walk and get into even more mischief.

I’ve been having mood swings. I feel okay most of the time but I can get very angry or sometimes I feel like bursting into tears. I’ve been forgetting things and losing things.

I feel as though I’m going crazy.

And that feeling makes everything a little bit worse because I need to have control over something.

Lord knows I can’t control the baby. I can’t control the dog. I try to control the level of cleanliness in the house but I can’t stay on top of everything. I try to control my diet but that doesn’t work all the time, especially when I’m in moods like this.

Life is made all the more complicated by the fact that I am no longer on maternity leave – as of today I am officially on vacation instead of leave. I’ve started thinking about Christmas travel, which is rapidly approaching (and I’ve been doing my shopping), and when we get back from celebrating Christmas it will be the new year, and then one week of transitioning the baby to daycare and then back to work I go.

I’ve been off work for a year and it seems I remember so little of that time. It just doesn’t make any sense. My baby is almost a year old, and that just doesn’t make sense.

More importantly, we have so little time left just the two of us like this, and that just doesn’t make sense.

I’m so excited for her to be in daycare. She’s going to prosper spending time with another woman who can teach her different things, and three other kids all day who she can play with and learn from. At the same time I dread my transition from full time mom who gets to share all these great experiences with my daughter, I am excited about going back to work.

I’m excited to be doing something that engages different parts of my brain. I am excited to have people to talk to without have to plan specific times and places for play dates (but oh how I’m going to miss those play dates and the wonderful women I’ve met!). I’m excited at the possibility of new challenges.

And then there’s the guilt.

I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Never. In fact, Joe and I talked about him taking paternity leave at one point so that I could keep working. The fact is that I haven’t loved every minute that I’ve spent with her this year, but the good has outweighed the bad in so many ways – it’s not even close. I can’t imagine having missed this time. I can’t imagine having not made these connections.

And maybe it will just teach me to relish every moment and remind myself, even in the times of whining and crankiness, that she’s something special and everything I do is for her.

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