There is a switch inside of me that gets flipped without me even realizing what happened.
It’s as though I hit just that point of tired or hungry or frustrated or sad or all of the above and I transform like the Hulk.
I hear myself getting angry. I hear myself saying things that aren’t completely true. I hear all of my frustration from hours or days flowing out of me in a mean, sometimes incomprehensible way.
It shakes me. I don’t always recognize myself and I rarely know where exactly it comes from. Often the true cause of today’s explosion comes out somewhere in the middle of things. It’s almost like an out of body experience.
The rain. The rain makes everything worse. I can’t take the baby or the dog for even a short walk. I’m getting no exercise at all right now and that makes it worse. The stress relief I might get from exercise is coming from spending money I don’t need to and eating things that are bad for me.
I make a lot of excuses, still, and on days lime today I don’t feel bad about it. I’m hurting myself. I have a page in my notebook full of reasons to give up sugar, not the least of which is the way it affects my mood. I know I feel better when I eat better, when I cut down on caffeine, when I drink tea instead of coffee, when I get some exercise. Then why don’t I? Because it’s hard and on days like today I can’t handle hard. So much is hard already.
I’m a sabotage. I sabotage myself and my life, I think ill of myself and assume what others think of me. I assume that there are some things that I just won’t get right. If I were doing this for someone else it would be done in plenty of time, but for me? That goes on the back-burner.
And when I put myself on the back-burner I get days like this – days when I’m too tired to handle small stresses and everything spirals out of control.
Once again I need to pause, step back, and regain control. Deep breaths.