The past few days have been some of the hardest I’ve ever been through. It really honestly felt like we were being punished for something we didn’t know we had done, and the one facing the brunt of it was our innocent little Schnauzer.

(If you want to know what happened, it’s all here)

This morning Joe let me sleep in, and went in to the office late only to pick up his computer and talk to his bosses about working from home for the next few days so I’m not alone with an 8 month old and an immobile dog who doesn’t respect his current limitations. I was very glad of this plan when I tried to take the baby upstairs for her nap while he was away and the dog jumped of his chair and tried to follow me upstairs. I couldn’t put the baby down to stop the dog from hurting himself because she might hurt herself.

Then the baby fell asleep and I went to lie down with the puppy and everything felt good, until it all fell apart. She woke up, almost immediately, and proceeded to cry and scream and slap and punch, and bite and pinch, and beat me up in every way possible for almost an hour. Finally I had to put her down and step back. This is only the second or third time I’ve felt myself on the brink of losing it with her.

And when Joe came home she calmed for him, leaving me to feel even worse about my mothering skills. But I napped, and I felt better when I woke up, and Joe had a businesses call to make so I decided to take her to the library so she wouldn’t be making noise in the background, but first I had to change her.

And she reacted as though I was torturing her. She wouldn’t stay still and she screeched every time I put her on her back so I could just get the diaper on, and I felt myself right on the verge again, but we got out the door and she calmed down in the car and I took a few deep breaths.

And when we came out of the library she refused to sit in her car seat properly and I had to fight to get her strapped in, with her screaming all the while. And I got in the driver’s seat and started on the way home and that’s when I saw a schnauzer on a walk, happily trotting away.

And that’s when the tears came. And that’s when I really started to wonder if we were being punished for something we didn’t know we had done. And that’s when I hit my lowest point, realizing for the second time that day that I just couldn’t handle this, and that it was just going to keep coming at me.

This morning I lay in bed, listening to the baby cry, and I just couldn’t get up and go to her. I didn’t know what she wanted and it seemed as though I was only making the situation worse by even trying. This morning I felt completely and totally useless as a mother. This morning I couldn’t handle it and I gave up trying for just a little while.

I have, once again, hit the lowest point and I don’t know when it’s going to stop feeling that way.

This afternoon we went to a coffee shop so the dog could rest at home and we could both get some work done, and she started being loud and I felt judged and helpless.

I’ve been helpless for the past two days and I need it to just stop.

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