I’m having one of my down moments. A moment that I know I’m not being entirely rational, but that doesn’t stop me from being sad.
I’ve said before that I’m not good at keeping in touch with people. I’m not good at keeping friends. I’ve never had a large group of friends and it can take me a long time to feel comfortable with people.
Now I’ve had a baby.
Before I had this baby, I hardly had any friends at all who were mothers. The two women in my circle who were mothers were new to it themselves.
Now I’m spending more time with a group of women who have been mothers much longer than I have. I love these women. I feel accepted by them. But I also feel like the rookie of the group. I’m the one who spends a lot of time asking questions and that does make me feel like a tag-along sometimes.
And then there are my friends who aren’t parents – Some of whom have no interest in being parents (not something I will ever judge them for – I can absolutely understand why you wouldn’t want to be a parent). I know that a person without children may have little interest in spending time with me and my kid. I know that it’s hard on people when I show up with her in tow. It’s rare that I can go out without her, and if Joe and I are going out together, she will definitely be coming along. We haven’t figured out the whole babysitter thing yet, and it may take us a while.
And I understand that people we know have lives that are much, much bigger than us.
But I can’t help but get a little lonely sometimes. I can’t help but grieve for the life I used to have, where we could make plans at the drop of a hat, stay out late without thinking twice about it, go to a restaurant without feeling rushed because the baby decided to get loud, go to a movie together.
I can’t help but love her with all my heart and hope that other people in my life love her too.