(As a side note on the title, I used to read a lot of Archie comics, and there would be a speech bubble that said ‘sigh’ and I thought that meant that you were actually supposed to say the word.)
My mood has been up and down over the past couple of days. I can feel it. I’ll be fine, everything will be fine and then suddenly for no reason other than a second ticking by I will feel like melting into tears. I try to find a reason – maybe I felt like an outsider at the playdate yesterday, maybe it’s because I ate Mcdonald’s, maybe it’s because the puppy is acting strangely and I wish I could give him more attention. Maybe the person I really am is trying to break through the persona I’ve set up. Maybe I’m overtired. Maybe it’s because I haven’t exercised in a couple of days. Maybe the fact that I only have four months left at home is starting to sink in.
Maybe I’m concerned about the state of the economy.
Or maybe, just maybe, I have post-partum depression and I get these highs and lows and I need to just give myself some friggin’ slack already.
I’m going to feel like crying sometimes, I’m going to get tired, I’m going to get hungry while the baby is sleeping in the backseat and opt for the drive-through to avoid waking her.
I’m going to spend time wondering what I’m doing with my time and where the days are going and I’m going to wonder who I am because a hack of a lot of thing have changes in a short while.
I didn’t expect to get pregnant, I didn’t expect to have such a difficult pregnancy, I didn’t expect to speed through this year while she goes from not being able to move by herself to crawling and pulling herself up and getting into everything she can get her hands on in 7 months. A year ago we might have even been talking about me going back to work and Joe taking paternity leave.
For the past year and seven months I have been doing nothing but adjusting to my situation, and then having to re-adjust because everything changes. It’s crazy to expect to feel good about it all the time.
Last night I had a bath. Since I was a kid, the bath has been a refuge for me. I take baths when I’m sick or need to relax, when I want to get warmed up in winter, when I just want some time. Since I was a kid, my bath time has always included a book or a magazine. Sometimes when I was in school the bath was the only place I could get any reading for pleasure in – outside the bath it was all textbooks.
Last night, I took a magazine with me into the bathroom. And then I left it on the floor and just sat there. I was thinking about anything too hard, I wasn’t doing anything. I was strange for me, as I’m used to doing at least two things at a time (I’ve been that way for years, I’m not good at being bored), but it felt really good.
The baby was asleep, dinner had been cooked and eaten, everything was taken care of and I didn’t have to think for those few moments, and it felt good.