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Connections

August 12th, 2010 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Personal

I used to hate being too connected with people. (A therapist might tell me that this stems from ‘breaking up’ with my life-long best friend when I was in Grade 6, but I digress).

I only talk to one person from high school. I’m Facebook friends with a handful of people from college, but that’s as close as we get. Many of my current friends are friends that Joe is was connected to first, and he is much better at keeping in touch than I am.  One of our friends (who needs to get back to blogging) is someone I felt a connection with and actually managed to keep in touch with before she ended up in my city here.

The fact is that I always assume I’m fairly easy to forgot and that people I remember just won’t remember me, or won’t feel as close to me as I do to them.

I trained myself to be independent. I love going to movies by myself, I have no problems eating at a restaurant by myself. I like being quiet and alone, I can easily occupy myself. Since I was in high school I have depended only on myself for my own happiness. (And since I was in high school I’ve been on anti-depressants, connection?.)

And then I met Joe.

Suddenly being alone felt terrible if he wasn’t close by. Suddenly I couldn’t be happy unless he was happy. There have been many points in our relationship where I have pushed him away – even trying to give his engagement ring back to him – because I honestly believed that he would be happier with someone else and that making him unhappy would hurt more than being without him.

But we did get married, and part of the reason I knew we should is that I felt more comfortable depending on him that I ever had depending on anyone but me or my family.

And then we had our baby girl, and now nothing matters to me more in the world. People told me, I watch TV, I read books, I knew that I was supposed to love her absolutely and I spent my pregnancy afraid that I was put together wrong and I wouldn’t be able to feel that way. When they first placed her on my chest I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to think or how to react.

I wasn’t sure I wanted her and I didn’t think we’d get along. Now that we’ve gotten to know each other a little better, I would die for her. She wears me out and she’s more demanding that any person I’ve ever met, but when she’s not around she’s almost the only thing I’m thinking about.

And then there’s my online friends, who I have made far closer connections with than I ever expected, to the point that I missed a few people that I’ve only met in person once or twice when they went away for Blogher, that I notice when I haven’t heard from them in a while, either on Twitter or on their blogs. I share more here and on Twitter than I do anywhere else. I read other peoples’ stories and I’ve find out that there are a lot of people that are a lot like me.

Suddenly, my connections are so important to me that I hate being away from it all. My only time almost always includes my iPhone (though I have yet to take it into the bath, which I’ve heard some people do). When Twitter is down I wonder what to do with myself and I miss the people I talk to there. I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through the first few months of the baby’s life without all you wonderful people to distract and advise me.

So, I write a blog post to say thank you for caring and thank you for sharing, you all make my life that much easier.

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