So, since I made my pledge to lose 30 lbs by Blissdom Canada, I have lost a total of 0 lbs, at least according to the scale this morning. I’ve also given myself a hell of a lot of leeway.

And now I’m mad.

I’m mad at myself for lying to myself about what I was eating and drinking. I’m mad at myself for forgetting about exercise. I’m mad at myself for thinking of other things over and above what I originally meant to concentrate on.

Right now, there is no candy in the house (except a bag of licorice Nibs that I’m not all that interested in eating). I don’t remember the last time I had a Coke or Pepsi but I know it was about a week ago. I don’t remember the last trip we made to Dairy Queen. I’ve been consciously eating less, eating with my appetite, trying not to eat late at night, trying to change what I view as snacks.

I want to move every day. That’s what been missing lately and, oddly, what I had been doing well before. The most exercise I’ve gotten over the last two weeks is when I cleaned the house.

My biggest problem is myself. I’m almost paralyzed right now. I want to do so many things that I end up not doing any. I want to read more and write more and study more and learn more. I want to focus on so many different things that I end up not focusing on any and it’s infuriating even as I’m doing it – the baby’s napping, why aren’t you meditating and doing some yoga? The baby is playing by herself, why don’t you pick up a book as you watch her? Why don’t you read to her and you can both enjoy the story? Why don’t you set her up in her chair so she can watch you while you cook and you can talk to her?

Why don’t I?

Because I’m completely overwhelmed and that makes me more prepared to fail completely that do the work I set out for myself.

And it makes me mad.

I do better when I have more to do, usually, but right now a schedule is an almost impossible thing. I don’t know what the baby will need when, I don’t know what Joe needs to do when, I don’t know what money we’re going to have when, and I’m learning that sometimes everything you were planning needs to be dropped because one thing changes.

Maybe now that I’m mad I’ll push through and get what needs to be done done even with those setbacks. I have to push harder, I have to get the hell out of my comfort zone and I have to remind myself of all the reasons why this is so important.

  • I am an example to my daughter
  • I am risking my own health and my families if I don’t make changes
  • I will continue to lose self-confidence if I don’t succeed
  • I will get so much more by pushing myself out of my comfort zone

So I need to step up, answer to myself and make the changes I keep telling myself I need to make.

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