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Ups and Downs

June 6th, 2010 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Parenting | Personal | PPD

My name is Amy and I suffer from postpartum depression.

I am not embarrassed and I am aware that it has nothing to do with my baby, whom I love and dote on. My hormones are causing me problems, as they have done for so much of my life.

It’s mostly just frustrating because I can feel myself being irritable and irrational and I know full well that something just isn’t making sense, but I can’t stop it from happening.

I feel lonely. My body is exhausted. I feel as though I need a really good ugly cry. There are times when I am filled with absolute and unending love for my baby girl. There are times when I feel nothing but numb. I think if I were a runner I would have the pounding of my feet on the pavement as an outlet. As it stands, I take daily walk with the stroller in front of me and a dog around my waist, and sometimes it feels good and other times I have to stop multiple times reminding the dog not to pull, not to run in front of the stroller, not to stop to sniff every piece of grass we pass.

Last week it was rainy out, and I was already feeling depressed and frustrated that I wouldn’t get out for my walk, which eats up a good part of my day and makes me feel somewhat accomplished. Then the baby got fussy. She was crying every time I put her down and squirming every time I picked her up. I decided to get out the stroller, leave the dog and home and head somewhere, anywhere but where I was. I don’t know what the feeling was – desperation, maybe – but I needed to leave the house, I needed to get away, and I didn’t like the feeling one bit.

We ended up walking to Chapters, and then to the library because I didn’t feel like going home. All in all we were gone for about four hours, and I got home sweaty with two new blisters on each foot, feeling frustrated again.

It is this frustration – This feeling of an impending explosion- that is driving me slowly insane at the moment. And that is what it feels like – as though I’m going slowly insane, and I’m just waiting for the thing that is bound to set me off.

And sometimes she looks up at me with absolute love and fascination and it erases everything bad.

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