I have a maternity shirt that’s styled like a football jersey and says ‘Mom in training’ on the front. I still wear it to sleep in both because it’s comfortable and because the words still ring true.
In the past year my identity has changed dramatically and I’m still adjusting. I’m a mom now, I’m talking to different women about different issues, I’m spending my day worrying about different concerns, I’m finding myself in a whole new realm of understanding.
It’s a lot to get used to.
I’m not good at making new friends or keeping in touch with old friends. I still speak to one, yes one, person that I knew in high school (and she was my maid of honour), I’m only connected to my college friends on Facebook and of all the jobs I’ve had, I’ve maintained contact with a handful of people. I’m sometimes embarrassed by how small my circle seems to be, though I know that the friends I have those friends that I would do anything for.
But I want to grow new friendships based on this new life I’m starting, and I want her to grow up not so painfully shy.
I want to get out there and do things with other mothers and other babies. I want to get her into some sort of social world so that she gets used to meeting new people and trying new things. I want her to know how to make friends and interact with people. The problem is that I don’t.
Part of me wants to develop a circle of mom friends, and in some ways it should be easy – I’ve been talking to other moms on Twitter and there are two other women in my office who are on mat leave right now – but there is still a part of me that wants to protect myself and my identity. I’m straddling the line between old Amy and new Amy.
I want to jump into the conversation, but I’m afraid of being viewed as that woman who interrupts. I went through the same thing in college. I wanted to share my knowledge and be a part of things, but I came on too strong. I know I can’t wait to be invited, and that sometimes I have something valuable to add… But, but, but
I’m still me, which means I’m still scared. I’m that girl standing in the middle of the classroom who doesn’t know how to walk over to the other girls just to say ‘Can we be friends?’