Every few days I go to bed thinking that I’m starting to feel things moving along and there’s a good chance I’ll wake up in labour and every time I have been wrong. Every few days someone else in my life makes a prediction and they continue to be wrong, and at this point I am just waiting for next week when my midwife will induce me.
And even though I’ve been fairly easy going concerning labour through this whole thing, basically assuming that she’ll come however she wants to come whenever she wants to come, I always assumed that I would go into labour naturally. Now, starting to talk seriously about different forms of induction, I feel like a huge failure. Of all the struggles I’ve had with this pregnancy I’m now starting to get worn down. Every time I think I feel something or see some sign I have turned out to be wrong and now I have no confidence left in myself and my ability to read my body.
I don’t remember ever being this frustrated.
There are so many things I wish I had thought of before now, things I would have done differently if I had known I would still be pregnant heading into the second week of January. Mainly, I know now that I could have stayed at work longer so I wouldn’t have to be wondering how we’re going to deal with me going back to work before her first birthday.
There’s an irony in the fact that stress is one of the things that can delay the onset of labour and that I’m supposed to be relaxing, because every day I go without going into labour the more stressed I feel and the more all the little things start getting to me.
It doesn’t help that sleep is getting harder to come by. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and all I could think was that this whole experience was designed to drive me crazy.