In just a couple of days we’re going in for the 18-22 week ultrasound. This is the one that lasts a little longer and they will finally be able to tell us whether this baby is a boy or a girl. Every time I feel the baby kick (which seems like a lot sometimes) I think about the upcoming ultrasound and which name we will be assigning, and all the fears that fill my head when I think about it being one or the other.
And then I think about a friend of ours.
I know someone who happens to be going through a female-to-male transition at the moment, and when I think about the excitement of finally knowing which name this baby will wear for the rest of its life, I also feel a moment of guilt for assuming anything at all before I’ve even met them.
It has crossed my mind that someday this child will come to me tell me that they’re gay, and I know I wouldn’t think twice about it. I know that when this friend told us of this major change in his life we were both excited, simply because it was clear that this was exactly the right thing. But if a child that I raised came to me and told me that they needed to be someone different than what I was used to – than the person I am starting to build up in my mind already – how would I react?
These are questions I want to answer for myself because I don’t want to hurt my child by trying to figure it all out when it’s happening. I don’t want them to feel the pain of that pause in which they will assume the absolute worst. I want my child to come to me and tell me these things without a moments hesitation. I don’t want them to live in fear of sharing their real self and real life with me. I’ve seen too many friends go through too much to ever, ever want my baby who I am growing to love more and more (despite the kicking) to ever go through that pain.