I am very nervous about this pregnancy. There is no way in the world that it should have been this quick and easy for my to get pregnant – women with PCOS are supposed to have a difficult time, and often need fertility treatment – and so I sit in wait for the other shoe to drop.

Everything is going really well so far. I have been nauseous and uncomfortable for months, but the baby is growing and moving and doing just perfectly according to our midwife. I am confused by this, because I am a pessimist, and a pessimist with reason to be pessimistic about this pregnancy.

I couldn’t believe that I got through the first trimester without a miscarriage. Every time we go for an ultrasound I expect the baby not to be moving, every time we go to the midwife, I expect there to be no heartbeat, but this baby just keeps swimming along. And kicking me.

I’m fascinated that I might be able to have a reasonably good pregnancy. I mean, I’m not too happy with the way my body feels 80 per cent of the time – I’m tired, achy, itchy, nauseous, grumpy and rather likely to cry at the drop of a hat – but the baby is all good. In fact my midwife is very happy, and so are all the tests we’ve been doing.

Of course, all this good news means that I take everything that might be bad to the extreme so that I have something to worry about.

Mostly right now, I’m worried about my weight – in a whole new way. I haven’t gained any weight yet, despite the fact that I am showing and the baby is growing. This is the first time in my life that I’ve had any kind of trouble gaining weight and it’s incredibly frustrating. The only thing I can think is that all this estrogen in my body is reversing the effect that the PCOS had, and helping me lose weight, but the baby is keeping me level.

The midwife hasn’t said anything about my weight yet, and other women I’ve talked to that have been pregnant tell me they experienced the same sort of slimming and it probably just means that the baby is taking my nutrients and getting what it needs, which was good to hear, but then I get these emails every week. The emails from Babycenter.ca tell me once a week how much weight I should have gained at this point in my pregnancy and I am not hitting any of those targets, which makes me very nervous. Now I’m trying to eat healthily, and I’m finding it very difficult to eat very much at one sitting (I fill up very quickly), so I have to eat more often, but when I’m at work that’s not always possible. And then I feel guilty for not treating myself well for the baby.

And then I worry about how the stress is affecting the baby.

It’s a nice little circle I’m building for myself.

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