I feel like a bad pregnant lady. I knew the first trimester was going to be tough, I expected that and I sort of got used to it. I understand that I have to eat every hour or so if I don’t want to feel nauseous, I have to have water with me at all times. I got used to being tired – though I often complained. My symptoms didn’t start until after 8 weeks and every week I inched closer to that magical second trimester – the week they told me everything would change.

And the 12 week came and went, the 13 week came and week – They told me it would get a little better every week and all I was feeling was still nauseous, still tired and still unsure.

And then, magically, I had energy. I didn’t wake up every morning feeling nauseous and I didn’t feel that way most of the day every day.

And then this week hit and it all came flooding back.

It’s hard to eat – there are only a few things that taste good to me right now. Green olives are fantastic, and orange juice tastes better than anything else in the world. I also tried lobster for the first time and found out just how freaking fantastic it is – whether I still feel that way post-partum is still to be seen. The lack of tastiness makes it very difficult for me to eat and eat healthily. I don’t crave anything – until I crave something very definite.

The exhaustion is back in full swing too. I slept all day Saturday and woke up Sunday feeling alright, until I actually went out and started doing things. I guess I overdid it because I haven’t felt any kind of energy since.

On top of this my belly is growing and stretching and making it difficult to find a comfortable position to sleep, which leads to me getting about 5 or 6 interupted hours a night.I thought that wasn’t supposed to start until my third trimester, which is still weeks away.

All of this makes me feel like a bad pregnant lady. I’m supposed to be enjoying this – especially these few weeks – and I can’t. I’m uncomfortable, tired, grumpy and not all that nice to be around a lot of the time. I’m trying to get excited and get things done when I have the energy, but overall I feel as though I’m not getting the experience that I was supposed to get.  I feel cheated.

I was supposed to get the second trimester – I was supposed to have this time to plan and clean and build a nursery so that when I got too tired, too uncomfortable, too big in the third trimester it would all be out of the way. But here I am, getting home from work, having a nap, eating dinner and trying to go to bed, spending my weekends catching up on the sleep I’m losing during the week. I’m not enjoying this and it’s supposed to be this grand experience. I wanted to be keeping a journal, writing down all the first, all the trips to the midwife. I wanted to be taking pictures and building memories, now I’m worried I’m going to be too tired to remember any of it.

It’s not fair and I’m sick of it.

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