Since there isn’t a lot of baby stuff to focus on right now, I’m thinking about all the stuff we need – stuff to set up the nursery, to take care of the baby, to keep things clean and safe – the merchandise.

As it turns out, all of our friends are having babies just a few months before ours will arrive, which means no hand-me-downs. We were offered a crib from across the country, but with no real way to get it here (or back if they decide to have a second) we declined and purchased our own new crib. We’re buying a few things news, searching out garage sales, we’ve received one “grandma box” already, but with family and a lot of our friends out of town (and no one here I would expect to organize a baby shower) I have the sinking feeling we’re mostly on our own.

This terrifies me mostly because I don’t want to mess this up. I’m terrified of missing that one thing that we were supposed to have. I want to be prepared for all circumstances.

This means that I am not only looking around at nursery stuff and clothes and supplies, I am looking around the rest of the house, frustrated at all the things we have that are going to need to be replaced.

This bothers me not only because we don’t have a lot of spare cash right now, but also because I don’t know anything about the development stages of babies, so I don’t really know how long we have to hide harsh corners and secure cupboard doors, and figure out how else a baby could get into all the dangerous stuff. Hell, it’s taken me three years and the dog still surprises me with the stuff he gets into.

At the same time I’m struggling with my clothes not fitting, and the seeming impossibility of finding maternity clothes that fit me comfortably. I don’t want maternity clothes that fit tightly and show off my “bump.” I also can’t do what the lovely and annoyingly slim ladies who work in the Gap PR department (as per the Toronto Star article) and just “go up a size” in regular clothes. There is no up for me in most places.

I know that once the baby actually gets here, a lot of these worries will go away – to be replaced by completely new and potentially more important worries, but I’m a worrier, it’s what I do. I get it from my mother.

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