I am back to work next Tuesday and I have developed a great desire to start fresh and get back on track.
Before the wedding I was getting my exercise, I was paying attention to what I put in my body, I even got somewhat of a handle on my debt. Then my world changed rapidly – I lost my job, I moved to Saskatchewan, I got a new job with hours I had never worked before. Suddenly it felt like I had no time to do anything but work and sleep and be depressed an moody because I wasn’t sleeping properly. I had panic attacks at work when I was asked to do new things that required more skills and more care.
Then the election happened and I learned what it’s really like to not have time for anything but work and sleep. For almost three months I was exhausted – mind, body and soul.
Now I’ve had the chance to rest. I’ve accomplished everything I wanted to during my vacation: Catching up on my sleep, catching up on my TV shows, getting my exercise, knitting, cooking, reading, taking care of my husband and my puppy and spending time with friends. I even got the chance to do a few extra things: We went to a Senators game and to see the Cirque du Soleil, I bought a puzzle and completed it (2000 pieces), something I haven’t done in years, I got started on my Christmas knitting and my Christmas shopping and I had time to sit back, have some fun and evaluate what I want, how I want to get there, what I need to make me a whole person.
I need exercise and, it turns out, I love to sweat. I pull up something on the PVR and get on the bike and I really feel as though I’m working hard. When I decide that it’s hard and I’m only going to go for 15 minutes and end up completing my 30 I allow myself to be proud.
I need fresh air. One of my absolute favourite things is taking Henry to the off-leash park. He runs and I walk and me thoughts are as free to roam as he is.
I need to be taught. I yearn to take classes. My brain needs guidance sometimes. I want to take writing classes and dance classes and knitting classes and anything else that strikes my fancy. I don’t think I’ll ever lose that desire. I blame my parents.
I need family. With my mother, grandfather and sister all across the country – the people that formed my universe when I was growing up – I have had to adjust a lot in the past year. Joe and I got married and went away for a week and when we got back my Mom was retired and gone and suddenly I was completely responsible for everything in my life – and not just my life. Now Joe and I are family and we have to work together to make sure we can sustain ourselves. It terrifies me to rely on him that much – it terrifies me more to rely on myself that much.
I remember when I was a kid and I was out of school sick for a couple of days or a week and the dread I used to feel having to go back. It felt like everything must have changed and I would be even further behind than before. The last time I took a week off work I went back pretty much just to clean out my desk. Now I’ve been off for three weeks from a job that was never really mine in the first place and I have absolutely no idea what to expect when I go back.