I need to do something good. I need for what I do with my life, what I do with myself during the day to mean something beyond paying my rent and my debts.
I want to help people. I want to make the world a better place for someone, and I’m not sure how to put my skills to action that way.
So now what? I make do helping the people who actually help people in need. But now I need to find those people and convince them that I’m driven and competent.
Part of me thinks I should just give up on myself and have babies who will save the world. Part of me thinks that in a world that needs so much saving I shouldn’t have babies at all.
The truth is I’m terrified of all of it. I’m scared to care so much and then fail. My last job broke my confidence so much that no matter how happy my current bosses tell me they are, the minute I screw something up I’m right back at zero. When I really need to get something right I panic and miss the mistakes – things I used to catch in situations much more frenzied.
I guess the truth is I miss my voice. I used to have one. I learned to speak up and be heard and not be afraid that I might be wrong, because if I asked the question at least I would find out. I’ve lost the person that I became four years ago and I’m not quite sure where she went.