Today is one of those days that I’m angry and irrational and frustrated with everything.
I’m pissed off about the way things stand right now. We’re living in boxes but we could be in Ottawa for another year. I may or may not have a job at the end of my contract – only two weeks away now – and I won’t now until then. I have no desire or motivation to look or apply for new jobs. There are piles of crap everywhere.
I don’t want to be a nag. I don’t want to be this person, but when the house looks the way it does and feels the way it does, and smells the way it does I don’t know what else to do. And then I nag, and I do things that I know will piss him off because I’m angry and I don’t know how else to get my point across.
I feel like shit. I feel like I look like shit. I can’t dress the way I want to for work because my office is almost as cold as it is outside on any given day. I don’t feel like a very nice person. I’m tired when I wake up in the morning and tired when I get home. I’m in my twenties and I spend my evenings lying in bed watching crappy television. I’m not eating right when I’m eating at all and I’m not getting any exercise except for the walk from the bus to my office and back.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted and what I was good at, but now I have no idea. I can’t change my focus again. We can’t afford for one of us to go back to school again and I already feel terrible about that. I will never have a good enough job to support both of us and I hate the part of me that wants him to support me.
This would be so much easier if I could just pause for awhile and figure it all out.