I am a huge fan of Frank Warren’s PostSecret project. Every Sunday I go to the website and I read other people thoughts and sometimes I cry and sometimes I laugh and always, always I think about the world we live in and how connected we are to other people while being completely disconnected at the same time. Every postcard and every secret Frank receives is completely anonymous, which is why people tell him everything – affairs, abuse, robbery – anything.
Because I love PostSecret I joined a LiveJournal post secret community – Just fellow LJers who love Frank for this wonderful project and have secrets of their own to share. Today I left that community after another of too many bitchy pissing matches. I should have left after the girl who told someone who didn’t like a comment she made to go cut herself (I believe she also suggested the commenter put a cigarette to her arm) – In a community full of people who are admitted self-injurers. When I called her on it (stupid me, getting involved at all) and suggested maybe she should leave the community she told me that she has the right to free speech.
I believe I suggested that her previous comments might not have been the best way to use said free speech (which I reminded her that I possess as well).
I should have realized then that maybe I didn’t belong as a member – Maybe, dare I say it? I was too old for that community and I should just go on my merry way.
Today another more petty but less abusive argument became the last straw. If not for some memories that I would like to keep (our engagement, our new puppy coming home), I would trash my LJ completely so none of those people could find me again. Lord knows I’ve been the victim of nasty anonymous comments in the past – The people who thought they could hurt me by calling me a fat bitch – The comments I deleted because if I really cared what they thought I would know who they were.
I’m done with LiveJournal, I will be in my own space now.
Though never on MySpace.
Today is one of those days that I’m angry and irrational and frustrated with everything.
I’m pissed off about the way things stand right now. We’re living in boxes but we could be in Ottawa for another year. I may or may not have a job at the end of my contract – only two weeks away now – and I won’t now until then. I have no desire or motivation to look or apply for new jobs. There are piles of crap everywhere.
I don’t want to be a nag. I don’t want to be this person, but when the house looks the way it does and feels the way it does, and smells the way it does I don’t know what else to do. And then I nag, and I do things that I know will piss him off because I’m angry and I don’t know how else to get my point across.
I feel like shit. I feel like I look like shit. I can’t dress the way I want to for work because my office is almost as cold as it is outside on any given day. I don’t feel like a very nice person. I’m tired when I wake up in the morning and tired when I get home. I’m in my twenties and I spend my evenings lying in bed watching crappy television. I’m not eating right when I’m eating at all and I’m not getting any exercise except for the walk from the bus to my office and back.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted and what I was good at, but now I have no idea. I can’t change my focus again. We can’t afford for one of us to go back to school again and I already feel terrible about that. I will never have a good enough job to support both of us and I hate the part of me that wants him to support me.
This would be so much easier if I could just pause for awhile and figure it all out.
As I sit at work all day and watch MPs accuse each other of being partisan – ‘Duh,’ I believe would be the word – I notice all the nuance that goes on in dealings on the Hill.
The Conservatives terrify me, but mostly because they’re so freaking smart. These people know how to avoid answering questions, lay blame on everyone else and generally make all the other parties look pretty bad. It’s amazing to watch.
This morning I watched the House Leader answer questions from journalist who was completely unable to hide the fact that he was left-wing. Now, most people who work in the media are, most are aware that they are and try to balance it out. This guy did not have the balancing skills. He asked two questions that were essentially attacks. Two questions that made me wonder if he was, in fact, a Liberal Party plant.
Not that I’m accusing anyone of anything.
But seriously – When I was training as a journalist I was taught the high importance of never showing your cards. This training sank in to the point that on my first day at my new job with one of Canada’s political parties I had to pause before I even pushed the floor button in the elevator because I knew I could never turn back. This partisan thing will sit on my resume forever (unless I specifically remove it because of the job I’m applying for, and then I’ll sit through the intreview wondering if it would come up and whether I’m technically lying- yes I am paranoid, but only a little).
As we move swiftly towards an election, I look forward to the increasing frequency of my desire to throw the remote at the MPs on TV.
I have been looked for a job and interviewing for jobs almost constantly since March. Not to mention every summer since 2004 and for a whole year off and on before that.
Essentially I have been looking for work since March 2003. Almost 5 years of trying to find a job that makes me happy, has a decent salary, challenges me, etc.
Exhaustion is setting in.
Right now I am working in a job that should be almost exactly what I’ve been looking for. Great salary, good people, the ability to be the first to know almost everything and share it with the people who need to know. I love being behind the scenes and being able to sit in a meeting and listen to really, legitimately intelligent conversations with people who don’t take things too seriously all the time. It feels like I’m almost in the right place, but it doesn’t feel right.
I’m exhausted and I’m tired. Getting up at 5:30 when I’ve never – at all, ever in my life – been a morning person doesn’t help I’m sure. My contract is up in about two and a half weeks. They might extend it – they’ve been happy with the work I’ve done – but I have no idea what any extension depends on. I know that if I could hold on to this job for a year, or even two that we would be in a much better place. Especially since it feels very much like I’ve tapped out my perky interview energy and I have no creative cover letters left.
If I felt like I had it in me I would be aggressive. I don’t feel like I have anything left to give.