I am in Saskatchewan.
My skin in dry and itchy.
I am still recovering from the worst job interview of my life – which didn’t actually have much to do with me. The questions were awful, vague and ridiculous. I hate living in this place where I have no idea what my competition is like. What kind of experience do the other people they’re interviewing have?
Now, I’m am over-tired and self-analyzing. It seems like I probably don’t have enough training, skills or experience at any one thing to find a great job. I’m reaching that point where I start to doubt anything and everything.
Added to this is the fact that I’m looking at rentals, trying to find us a place to live since it has now been decided (and yet, I still feel somehow left out of the decision), that we can’t risk buying right now. I can’t find a place that allows pets and has a garage and a backyard. I found great places, similar to the one we have in Ottawa, that does allow pets – but no garage and no backyard, at least not a closed-in backyard.
I feel like I’m trying to put together a puzzle and none of the pieces are fitting. Is this what we want? Is this what I want anymore? I just don’t know.
I miss Ottawa. I always do. Ottawa is comfort to me. I know it has what I need. I know where things are. I have people to talk to. Here I am alone, with an enormous responsibility weighing on my shoulders and no real support system to hold me up. Everyone is telling me it will be fine, but nobody is listening to what I’m feeling or paying real attention to my situation.
I’m feeling almost the same way I did when I decided to apply for journalism jobs again a few years ago. It was an easy out when nothing else was working and within a month I was in Northwestern Ontario, miserable. Over-worked, over-tired, unhealthy and alone.
But this is it. This is the grand solution we decided on. It really doesn’t feel like a solution to anything. It feels like a hole I’ve fallen into that I can’t dig myself out of without disappointing someone, or screwing up an opportunity. The truth is: I can’t handle it. Not any of it. I can’t be the one charged with setting up our future. I can’t do this alone. I don’t even know where to start.