I spent my day today baking and cooking and knitting (first pair of socks – woo), oh, and I did my routine check of all the job sites that I know. I’m getting very tired of sending out applications and trying to pretend that I have any confidence left.

I leave in a few weeks. I spend most of my days trying to survive the highs and lows. I search for jobs, nap, watch talk shows, cook, eat, knit, take baths and read, clean and pack. I try to feel normal, but I’ve never been very good at that and it’s getting more difficult day by day.

I’m trying to ignore the migraines I’ve been getting lately, and the circulation problems reminiscent of my grandmother’s. In the past stress has played nasty games with my body. At one point in high school I was on pills to calm my nauseous stomach and pills to control my headaches, and when I stopped taking both medications the ailments went away.

I’m trying to pack as much stuff as I can – and purge as much as I can – so the eventual move, however that happens, is easier for my husband, as silly as that sounds. This isn’t going to be easy for either of us. Right now the plan is in flux – my flight is booked, but the husband has a job interview on Friday that could change that, because he could end up coming with me, and we could end up in Saskatoon instead of Regina.

I’m trying to control my wants, but failing somewhat. It helps that I’m essentially broke, but I really just need to stop leaving the house. I could just go out without my debit cards. I did managed to control myself at the mall the other day by reminding myself that the last thing I need is more stuff to pack, but I still bought a couple of things. Buying clothes makes me feel better about myself because I am suddenly able to put myself together and feel new. I have discovered that the most important thing for me is to get dressed every morning, and not in sweat pants, but in actual clothes. Clothes that fit my body and make me feel good about myself and remind me that I’m a human being and not a sloth.

On the plus side, I was reading a magazine the other day and found out about a website, volunteermatch.org, which allows you to search volunteer opportunities that you can telecommute to. This could be great for me – there are non-profits looking for help with their websites and newsletters, which would give me something to do and look good on my resume.

I need to feel good about myself again, I need to start believing that I might eventually land a job and keep a job and love a job. I need to start believing that I will do some good in the world and that I won’t be a failure for the rest of my life.

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