I am currently in one of those downswings in my moods where everything feels like a mistake. The job postings in Regina are going from few to nonexistent and, once again, the husband has managed to get an opportunity he doesn’t really need right now while I flounder.
We’re supposed to go to a Christmas party tonight, but I’m having trouble getting up the courage to meet new people and hear the questions “So what do you do?” twenty times or more. I do nothing. I sit around the house and pack, bake and watch television, I search through job websites and apply for anything that I might possibly be considered for, I knit and read and take baths and naps. I feel lost and guilty. I panic about the problems I’m causing, the bills I have to pay and a future that, once again, is undetermined.
For years I have been starting and stopping, starting and stopping. I have yet to get the real opportunity that will launch my career path, I have yet to have someone take me under their wing and tell me that they see a real potential. I have potential and skills out the wazoo – it’s experience and opportunity I’m lacking.
It’s not pleasant spending your days surrounded by piles of stuff, doubting the future as it approaches ever more quickly. I take off in less than a month.
Nothing but uncertainty and ever-failing confidence awaits.