Right now, for no particular reason, I feel scared of the future. Up until now I have been basically okay. I’ve actually been pretty cheerful about everything that’s been happening. It all seemed to make a certain amount of weird sense – or at least it seemed as though everything that didn’t make sense eventually would. I ran into a problem, we made a plan and we have adjusted it to make the most sense possible.
Today I had a good day, we had breakfast with a good friend and afterwards she and I talked for two hours, then I went to my knitting group, and talked to more friends and drank peppermint tea, which always makes the world seem like a better place. While talking and knitting and drinking tea I expressed to these friends my great desire to be a mom – sooner than later.
Maybe that’s why I’m coming to this realization that life is changing ever so rapidly.
A few years ago I didn’t even want kids – I didn’t think I would ever make a good mother and I certainly didn’t think I would ever find a man that I would feel comfortable having as a father to my kids. If, when I was 23 someone had told me that at 26 I would be married with a puppy and desperate for babies I probably would have laughed in their face.
We can’t have kids. Not now. We’re about to be living apart for four months, and no way do I want to go through four months of pregnancy alone, nor do I imagine Joe wants to miss four months of growing baby.
We’re moving, we’re building a life somewhere completely else and that means we’re basically starting over, and that means kids will have to wait. I have to start my job search again, I have to go through another probation and try to last, Joe will have to do the same thing, and we’ll be in limbo for probably another year. And in a year we will maybe, maybe be in a place to start the family we want.