Much like her mother, the kid tends to get into deep thoughts around bedtime. One night she came in to ask me who the first baby was and how the world was created. At 9 pm. Lately she’s been getting upset because she has so long to go until her next birthday. I think that was brought on by the numerous birthday parties she’s been to lately.

And then she was crying in her room and explained to Daddy that she was sad because she would run out of cuddle time soon. As in she thought she was going to get old enough that we wouldn’t cuddle with her.

Kid, let me tell you something: I will be hugging you and kissing you every chance I get as long as you’ll let me. You may not believe it right now, but someday you’re not going to want us to hug you and cuddle you because suddenly you’ll feel too old. Until then, I’m getting it in wherever I can. Seriously. You can’t stop me. No matter how big you get, you’re hugs will always feel better than anything else in the world. (She’s a great hugger, I think she inherited it from her Daddy).

Also, kissing your forehead is awesome, because for whatever reason your forehead is the softest thing in the universe. I’ve been doing it since we met, I’m not going to stop now.

Tonight Theoren Fleury is in my city doing a talk. When I started getting interested in hockey Theo instantly became my favourite player. He was rugged, feisty, missing his front teeth – he was everything I expected a great Canadian hockey player to be.

Tonight he’s in Ottawa talking about mental health and his struggles after being a victim of abuse at the hands of his hockey coach. He hid the abuse and struggled with addiction while playing in the NHL. (I bought a ticket – with proceeds going to Do It For Daron, a great local cause – but came down with a sore throat this morning that has gotten worse as the day dragged on).

When I was 15 I knew none of what Theo was struggling with. What I knew was that he played hockey with passion and I loved to watch him.

On my sixteenth birthday I got a #14 Fleury jersey and my Dad got tickets for the Flames game against the Senators, right in the front row.

We were at the Flames end during the warm up and as they skated around Theo Fleury came and stood right in front of me, stickhandling, shooting.

To this day I believe he noticed me in the crowd, wearing his jersey, and thought to come by and see me and I have never forgotten. He made me feel less invisible. At that point in my life that was kind of important.

When I was 16 I was starting my downward trend. By 17 I was planning to kill myself, but first I wanted to see the Ottawa 67′s win a Memorial Cup. By the time that happened, I had gotten help.

Hockey saved my life. Now my first hockey hero is saving more.

I was reading O Magazine and there was a short section on Mariel Hemingway’s ‘Things I Know For Sure.’ Number two was about spending time alone – going to a movie, having something to eat out. This time is valuable, she says. I could not agree more.

Since I was a teenager I have valued my alone time. Going to movies by myself is one of the great pleasures in my life. Going for walks, just me and some music. Strolling around a bookstore. Taking a road trip. I love it.

I know a lot of people are scared of being alone in public places but I’ve never really figured out why. Being able to think, write, type, listen to your own music, read a book. It’s only awesome possibilities.

I have always appreciated my alone time, but certainly since I became a mother I’ve become more attached to it, since it’s rarer now.

Not that I don’t love my kid, and spending time with her and watching her.

Together we’re awesome

But quiet has been hard to come by recently. Someone has inherited Daddy’s verbosity.

Some nights I just up and decide it’s a movie night, say goodnight and head out on my own. Some days I decide to take the dog out, just him and me. Some evenings I head down to my treadmill with my iPad and walk away while I’m watching some great TV. I relish it, my alone time.

I think I need to live my life like a 4 year old. When we went out skating this week the kid was gung-ho. She had no fear, she just went for it.

She fell down a couple of times and hurt herself, cried, but as soon as we suggested she sit down or stop she was off again.

And here was I, hesitating, fearful. I was afraid to fall. As though I haven’t fallen down before. As though I haven’t hurt myself or felt momentary pain.

She loves being active, why walk when you can run? Why be inside when there’s an out?

She sees something new and she wants to look more closely, and try it out. New sports, new foods, new games.

She’s taught me a lot this little girl over her four years, but I think this one I’m going to have to teach myself. Live like the four year old. Model myself. Have more fun, try more things. Experience.